Navigating the topic of having children has long been the bane of many a family dinner discussion. Traditional beliefs have perpetuated the idea that a woman’s primary purpose is to become a mother. Yet we’ve all heard it in the news that we are currently experiencing historically low birth rates.
Why would you want to bring kids into a late-stage capitalist world where it’s impossible to make ends meet, where many of life’s traditional milestones seem so far out of reach, and knowing that we are on the brink of ecological collapse? It’s no wonder that as this generation’s cohort comes of age there’s a growing trend toward not having children.
Yet, not everyone feels the same way. What about those who still crave motherhood? Those who still dream of having little children running around the house? We met with Regina, a 23-year-old who’s recently landed in the center of this debate at a family wedding. We caught up with her to hear about the conversations she’s having around this topic.
You recently navigated a challenging conversation around the idea of having children? Wanna walk me through what happened?
Honestly, I even laughed about it because we were not talking about having kids at all. I don’t know how I ended up speaking on the topic of how I feel about wanting to have kids. I think it was because the person that was interviewing us was talking about how he has kids and I think I just started to talk about my experience.
My dad had my brother and I with my mom and then they split up. Later, he had two other kids with my dad’s wife who are significantly younger than we are. I think that’s how we got on the topic of kids.
So, what are your thoughts about having children?
I grew up in a really big family. I’m originally from Mexico and as long as I can remember there have always been babies around, such as my cousins, and then my younger siblings were born. I was with babies a lot of the time, and a lot of the time I took care of them and I just can’t imagine never experiencing that firsthand.
The age gap between my siblings and me is so big that it’s almost closer to being a parent than it is to being siblings. I’m 23 and my younger brother is five.
What was that like?
I don’t know. It’s crazy because I met my sister when she was five months old. When I first met her I’d never ever experienced that kind of love for someone that I’ve just met. I was like, I love you and I just met you.
That was something that I felt was really beautiful and I’m thankful that I got to experience becoming a sibling with a little bit more maturity versus becoming a sibling when you’re two or three. I don’t think that’s a thought that goes through your mind. I’m really close with my siblings and that’s just really endearing to me.
For some reason, I’ve always been interested in motherhood. This is kind of something that I don’t share with many people, which is why I find it interesting that now I’m talking about it because this is such a private part of my life.
That’s interesting, why don’t you like to share your opinions on motherhood with people?
I don’t share that with a lot of people because I feel like nowadays it’s very judged to want to experience motherhood at a young age.
It might also be my experience with my mom. She got pregnant by accident when she was young so in my family, there was always this shame about wanting to be a young mom because their experience was not the best. They always tell me to travel and study and leave and I mean I agree with that, but there’s a part of me that’s really looking forward to experiencing motherhood and that’s something that I want to do in my life.
Making a human being like that’s so insane and birthing and raising a kid and that kind of bond that you have with someone and that kind of love is something that’s really exciting to me.
Do you have any thoughts as to why you really want to be a mother?
I think a lot of knowledge comes when your perspective on things change and I’ve seen that firsthand with my dad’s wife.
She’s significantly younger than my dad, so she was pretty young when she entered into a relationship with a man who already had two kids. It’s a lot of things to put on your plate. I saw a really big shift in her attitude and the relationship that she had with us after having my siblings. She matured in a way that was really impressive.
I don’t know if this is super corny, but in a way, I feel love multiplies a lot. When you go through motherhood, it opens a new level of sensitivity and understanding and I think that’s so cool! I want to be able to better myself in that way and get to experience that.
It seems like many people your age feel differently about motherhood. How are you navigating those conversations with your peers?
It’s something that I don’t really talk to other people about because not many people my age are really interested in motherhood. I think I commented on it earlier, funny enough. I mentioned to my friends that I have an interview on having kids later, which is random and my friends said, “just tell them that you don’t want to have kids”. All the comments were around the idea of not having kids. They would even call them gremlins and stuff like that. I think my generation has a lot of hate about having kids, which is funny to me.
So, I don’t really have these conversations with people. That’s something I don’t really push people to talk about with me because I don’t care what their opinions are on it. It’s something so personal, and I think, if I want to have kids at the end of the day, that’s my decision and if they don’t, that’s their decision too.
How do you feel about that?
It’s not like it bothers me that people don’t want to have kids. In a way, I think it’s good because there are so many people on the planet and that’s the discourse that happens most of the time with the people that don’t want to have kids. The arguments are almost always around environmental reasons.
I think there’s a lot of hopelessness.
I think it comes from that place a lot. It’s not like I don’t agree with the fact that we’re overpopulated and that we are producing a lot of waste as human beings and as a species. I agree, but I just don’t think that kind of attitude towards life is good either. I believe that I can have kids and raise people who are kind and good and caring and who can do good things. I don’t think the solution is extinction. We’re still gonna keep reproducing one way or in another. We can’t prevent it.
I definitely think it’s good that we do it less and that parenthood should be a choice.
I also truly believe that a lot of people aren’t meant to be parents and that’s okay. As rough as it sounds I don’t think my parents were built to be parents and that’s sometimes okay too.
I don’t think it’s bad to not want to have kids. I think it’s good to a certain extent to recognize that that’s not something that you want or you don’t have the energy to pour into, because it is such a hard job to be a parent and I think it’s important to not take it lightly.
It’s a personal choice. I don’t debate with people about their sexual orientation; that’s such a personal thing and it’s okay whatever you decide to do. I do think sometimes the other side can be judgy. I used to work at a vegan restaurant and everybody was like, “why would you have kids like that’s so bad for the environment” to a point that it almost feels shameful, and I don’t think that should be a reason to be ashamed. The way you decide to live your life is yours; as long as you’re someone that has awareness of your decisions and you take responsibility for them.
Thank you for being so open with your thoughts, my last question is what is next for you, are you trying for kids right away or working on other things right now?
I’m a very career driven person as well. I think my end goal is to be happy and to build myself a life that I’m content with.
I think having kids is something that I will get to when it feels closer to the right time for me to have kids, but right now I’m still young and I just moved here two years ago and it still feels like I’m building a home. I don’t think that I’m quite there yet. I think there’s many things that I want to achieve that are a priority to me. The way that I view it is: you’re never gonna be perfect in your life or perfectly prepared for anything. I think that it’s important for me to achieve a certain level of maturity and nurturing in myself before I’m able to selflessly give to others. There’s still a lot of things that I need to pour into myself, and that’s the most important thing for me at this moment in life.
– Jessica Girard
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